ARTS ADMINISTRATION BLUES
A MAJOR DISCOVERY
A major research institution recently announced the discovery
heaviest element yet known to science. This new
been tentatively named "Administratium."
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75
neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
312. These 312 particles are held together by a force
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert.
it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it
contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction
over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a
Administratium has a normal shelf-life of 3 years; it does not
instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the
neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons
In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over
each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
You will know it when you see it.
True Story - The man incharge of the local Education Action
a jazz event involving several local schools. He applies to his
Arts Board for support. No they can't give him any money to
project, but they can give him several thousand pounds after the
to analyse the success of said project. It takes a particular
sort of intellectual
to think that one up.
Oh, did I larf!
A jazz promoter (much loved and respected by musicians and
alike, name withheld to prevent a fall from grace with these
I enjoyed the faeces article. I offer another example of
administrators inhabit another planet. Some months ago I was
a big Jazz Development bash in Manchester. It was to tell us how
we were to have such people working for the good of jazz. All
and the good were invited, arts admin people from all over the
J Dankworth was the guest speaker. It started Friday morn so no
all stayed in nice hotels on Thursday. The fee was about £70.
who was the only group that had to pay it themselves? Guess who
people who had to pay their own travelling expenses? Guess who
only attendees to pay for their own meals and subsistence? You
got it in
one - the unpaid jazz promoters. There is irony schmirony for
I was told it was a really good day and they produced a
valuable report. I have not heard of any jazz venue benefitting
but it was a valuable day!
Ironically, I received today not one but two reports from
Organisations. I got the report entitled "How to develop
jazz or Die." This runs to 152 pages and weighs about a kilo. It
been read by as many people who have read "Ulysses." They
marketing companies to tell us things like"jazz doesn't get
time" Bet you didn't know that. It is a year since this seminar
has trickled down to me yet.
Also enclosed is "New Arts Audiences" from West Yorks Arts
This runs to a mere 42 pages and covers all the usual ground. I
Arts for help to fund better publicity material. They referred
me to a
nice m.class young lady who administers a fund of £100.000
audience development. There is a deadline once a year for
did she help me apply? Of course, she sent me "the pack." This
an application form which runs to 24 pages accompanied by a
guide to applications which is 44 pages long. The postage was
so the thousands sent out will make my measly £2k look pathetic.
If what Glenn Hoddle said is true I am definitely coming
as an Arts Administrator..
Regards - A Jazz Promotor
Hackney OCEAN Affair
Here's a fine one going on, notes Hawkeye.
Having obtained milllons from National Lottery under the premise
a 'multi live music venue - catering for over 50 styles of live
those who are in receipt of wages for getting the thing up and
have been so generous with their wage packets, there is little
or no money
to underwrite the gigs when the place opens in April. Thus they
that just to open the three performance spaces they want the
All this is most distressing for David Mossman, the owner
Vortex - the only realistic long running left field live music
For four years he has been acting as an unpaid consultant
he was approached at the start of the project with the express
that The Vortex would move to the Ocean. He would receive a
for booking musicians - a wonderful and well earnt position
thousands of his own money over the years keeping his club
Whole sections of the Ocean's application document to the
Lottery used Vortex ideology and even contained signed
those organisations like the Musicians' Union and the Performing
Society who have finacially supported the club.
Now it seems that those who have been in receipt of
for musicians have decided that a left field jazz club is too
high a risk
(Heaven's - might have to take a pay cut!) and David has been
for what nights he can.
Meanwhile, Django Bate's Delightful Precepice have been
for one of the opening nights - an excellent booking, for
piece band is hardly ever heard. Upon receiving their contract
his manager were bemused to find a long list breaking down the
that will be incurred on the night. Of most interest was the
A security guard WOULD ACTUALLY RECEIVE A HIGHER WAGE PRO RATA
THAN A MUSICIAN....
Meanwhile, over the road the wonderfully regal Hackney
just about survives (again) - kept alive by those who certainly
their own interests at heart.
12 March 2001
Parting of the waves - Vortex pulls out of Ocean.
There has been concern among many supporters and musicians
long-delayed move of the Vortex from the present venue in Stoke
to the new Ocean music complex in Mare Street, Hackney.
Following discussions with Mark Higham at Ocean, David Mossman
manager of the Vortex) has severed all connection with Ocean and
that the club will remain in Stoke Newington.
David says: ³The Vortex has been in Stoke Newington for more
15 years and the club is very much at the heart of local
culture. The proposed
arrangements for the club at Ocean fall short of my initial
A major concern is that, contrary to my understanding, the
not now have its own permanent space at Ocean. Consequently the
identity would have been compromised. I think it is
the future of the music that the Vortex remains totally
It is anticipated that April gigs already arranged at Ocean,
in the press under the Vortex name, will go ahead.
The long-term future of the club remains unresolved. The lease
out in March 2002 and the Vortex will close unless money can be
to buy the freehold on the property and to carry out renovation
is estimated that £1 million would be needed.
Thank you to all friends of the Vortex for your loyal support.
have any views on the future of the club (or a spare £1 million
so) please contact us.
139 Stoke Newington Church St
phone 020 7254 ****
From Bewildered of London
Ah yes, I was there sitting on a particular arts council
and a particular regional arts board officer was in attendance
as an observer
(such is the protocol).
This individual, who is now in receipt of tax payers' money,
gigs, owned a club and generally, it is said, ripped musicians
Seeing this person there prompted bemusement and general
between myself and others.
This person's reputation is not healthy to say the least.
Generally the arts council staff at the meeting were unaware of
person's colourful past, as were the people who hired the person
new job, clearly!
It never ceases to amaze me (and you'd think it would) that the
people in the world who should be in these powerful jobs are
do them and be paid money for doing so.
Just thought I'd share that with you Vox Poppers...
It's the same old story - it only takes the actions/inactions
of a small
minority to give every useless corrupt space-wasting fuckwit
Des Pond of Slough
South-East London bristles with Management Ethic
Blues Theory victims.
Management Ethic says:- in order to be a real creative artist
know your market and your money. Songwriters therefore, must
law and accounting. A DJ should not even attempt a gig until
s/he has mastered
the finer points of NI contributions. A painter should study
advertising, statistics and fund-raising to make anything of
oil and canvas.
Now, I don't know how Michaelangelo won the contract to do the
at the Cistine Chapel, nor whether Shakespeare conducted
before he dipped his quill.
I do know that Mozart, Beethoven, Van Gogh, Billie Holliday,
William Blake and Whistler all died in and from poverty.
And I know a number of highly creative people who won't get
to eat this winter.
Blues Theory is where romanticised Bohemian idealism
It says:- "It's alright, you are supposed to starve."
quotes Janet Daley writing in the Daily Telegraph
"It is arts administrators, not artists, who are the real
of Government spending through the Arts Council, because they
are the acceptable
face of state culture ... the interests of the council and
those of the
artists are not just different but positively inimical ...
resent the excessive power of this nationalised culture
industry ... some
do: mainly the ones who prefer to tread their own personal,
path and cannot or will not play the games of favouritism and
There is a problem when an organisation that is concerning
the arts looks at the characteristics of the artist rather than
The recent 'Creative Britain' event at the Roundhouse
to be an awards ceremony for 'creative arts administrators.' To
each other on ingenious building of infrastructures to allow the
to happen, to pick up kissey prizes from Joanna Lumley and
after speech about creative ways of containing art.
From Evil Growler
The British Council's Chairman, Helena Kennedy QC, is
paid a 'modest'
fee of just 35,000 pounds a year for the two days a week that
she has to
put in to help British culture overseas. Most of the artists
are trying to promote will take one, or probably more, years,
than full time to earn this.....
How about an analysis of the ACE funded organistion which
fifteen piece group from Egypt to play the RFH Foyer, told no
even Time Out), so that only four people turned up to the gig,
representatives of the RFH and ACE Music.
The RFH subsequently sued the organisation, which nevertheless
a whopping 12.6 per cent rise in its ACE grant this year.
(What became of the musicians, one wonders idly?)
How many Contempoary Music Network Tour Administrators
entirely legal retrospective VAT bill sent them by one touring
they can claim back, hence no actual real work or loss of
Which of the non-payers is now running the National Lottery
having moved from Manchester?
Which of the Adminstrators will be approved of by CMN this
Answers please, Vox Poppers: one out of five or fewer?
QUIZ: compare and contrast...
From Kevin Spencer
Administrators by Nature
Left Brain dominant - those poor administrators just
in the same way as Right Brain dominant artistes. Add to
that good administrators
of funds are probably ISTJ's can they expext to see
eye-to-eye with ESFP's.
Frustration abounds. Tolerance no comfort. Play the
See also Billy's advice for bureaucrats
(written in 1999
having been so disturbed after meeting a distraught Lucy
of the gogmagogs, only hours after funding for a tour had
in Take that pen
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